The last few months have been an emotional rollercoaster, and it is only now that, here in Scotland at least, where restrictions have eased and we can meet friends and family again, that we can begin to reflect on how lockdown has changed us (if it has changed us at all). But what has this got to do with writing?
As the only unpublished author on the team, as delighted as I am to have short stories published, my dream has always been to see my novel on a shelf. During the past ten years, I’ve completed three novels but never submitted to agents or publishers. Why? Because I don’t think my writing is good enough.
I’m certain at this point that non-writers will regard this as crazy, and in my lucid moments I agree! In fact, I frequently question why I continue to write. Still it’s an itch I have to scratch. If I don’t, then as my loved ones will attest, I become grumpy and restless.
But last September, I ran out of steam. I’d come to a point where I believed in my novel and understood what it needed, I just didn’t know how to pull it off. On top of that, I was tired of spending time with my characters (never a great place for a writer to be). I simply couldn’t face another re- write. Which was scary, VERY SCARY, as I had dedicated so much time to learning the craft of novel writing – reading ‘how-to’ books, completing courses and retreats. Would I ever return to my work-in-progress? I had no idea. I felt adrift.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to write – far from it – it was just I couldn’t face working on my novel. Years of writing, not knowing whether anyone would ever read it, had taken their toll. So for the remainder of 2019, I puddled around writing short stories, purely for pleasure, with no intention of submitting them. Then 2020 dawned and still I was stuck as far as novel writing was concerned, and for the first time I seriously considered waving the white flag. It’s hard battling crippling self-doubt each day and although I love writing, and knew I would continue to write something, being a published novelist felt like a goal that would forever be out of reach.
But then lockdown happened. And what else was there for me to do but write? And still I avoided novel writing by completing online courses studying folklore in writing and beginner’s poetry, and signing up for numerous workshops and author chats online. Attending events that, being based in north-east Scotland, I would never normally be able to attend. And during these events there was ONE piece of advice repeated over and over for new writers, or for writers who fear their career isn’t going as planned - KEEP GOING. NEVER GIVE UP.
Or as author Kate Mosse put it ‘KEEP YOUR EYES OFF THE HORIZON, DOWN ON THE SCREEN, WRITING SENTENCE AFTER SENTENCE.’
She will never know how much I needed to hear that, or the effect it had on me. Somehow it chipped through the thick barrier I had built. At last I understood that I all I needed to do to complete my next draft was to write sentence after sentence - which felt do-able. Her advice is now on a post-it note, stuck to the wall above my desk.
I unearthed my novel manuscript, dusted it down and got to work. Catching up with my characters is like being reunited with old friends. As if we’re heading towards sunlight again. If lockdown hadn’t happened, would I have returned to novel writing? I’ll never know. For now, I understand I still have some way to go, but that's ok.
So what piece of advice do you turn to during difficult times? (It doesn’t have to be writerly…)
Wishing everyone success in all you hope to achieve,
Rae x
